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Submitted on
January 10, 2009
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The drought has claimed December's rains,
The earth is parched and bare.
I know you loved to turn above
And feel the heavens there.

The clime is warm; no cloudy storm
Will fall upon this ground.
A snowy quilt will not be spilt,
For heat will still abound.

The carols still will sound so shrill,
Devoid of rythmic bass -
You need guitars to soothe the scars
The cheer leaves in its place.

No gift to give, but you can live
Without such things, I'm sure;
While chocolate's taste I hate to waste,
I'll give you something more.

A simple touch can mean so much,
A feeling we shall miss;
I'll give to you the taste renewed
Of chocolate on my lips.

A metal tune I can't craft soon,
So that will go unplayed;
My heart can beat a drum complete,
So you shan't be dismayed.

And should you chill, I'll help fulfil
Protecting you from harm;
The feeling true I'll give to you,
Of safety in my arms.

And yet the rain won't fall again,
No moisture on the ground.
We'll never dance enthralled, entranced,
While water falls around.

A shower's fall can soothe my pall;
Your last gift lies within;
I'll give to you the morning dew,
Petrichor on my skin.
As this is for a contest, I'd appreciate any and all constructive criticism and suggestions. Throw it all at me, please!

For the Poetry Litmas 2008, Sensing Winter. I used a ballad as my fixed form.

The lines alternate between iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter. The second and fourth lines of each stanza rhyme. The first and third lines do not rhyme with each other, but have internal rhyme.

If there's anything wrong with it, please, please give me suggestions on how to improve it!

Note - the person I wrote this to is a metalhead, so maybe that will clear up any confusion about the third stanza. He'd go mad without metal, and detests Christmas music.

Note 2 - Petrichor is "the name of the scent of rain on dry earth." [link]

Note 3 - thanks to =kiwi-damnation for her edits!
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:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2009   Writer
You have my crit. I love this piece!
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:iconxburiedinblackx:
XburiedinblackX Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2009
:hug: Thank you so much! Your crit helped me tweak it around just that bit more. And thanks for picking up the typo.

And thank you for the :+fav:, as well! :glomp:
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:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2009   Writer
Welcome!
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:iconfallenzephyr:
FallenZephyr Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2009  Student General Artist
yaaaay metal! I LIKE
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:iconxburiedinblackx:
XburiedinblackX Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2009
XD Metal is king. Even if it does have little to do with this work...
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:iconfreakishfeline:
FreakishFeline Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2009
I have no constructive criticism to give, as I cannot find fault in it. Your knowledge of, and devotion to, the poetic arts moves me, however, and tempts me to try to write something to this form and meter.
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:iconxburiedinblackx:
XburiedinblackX Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2009
:hug: Thank you so much.

I hope it does well in the contest... it's kind of heartfelt.

Ballads are great fun, because you only need to rhyme half of the lines. You don't need internal rhyme, and the meter doesn't have to be exact, as long as it's close. If you want inspiration, try Oscar Wilde's The Ballad of Reading Gaol, and Samuel Taylor Coleridge's The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. They don't stick to the exact form all the way through, but are still fantastic. Particularly Wilde.

I only do internal rhyme because I'm sadomasochistic, haha!
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:iconfreakishfeline:
FreakishFeline Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2009
I'm not a poet by any stretch of the word, I'm more of a fan of prose, but, the internal rhyme is what won m. It looks challenging and fun to try. If I did, do you think you'd give me your opinions on it when I finished?
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:iconxburiedinblackx:
XburiedinblackX Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2009
Oh, of course! I'm always more than happy to help out.

Internal rhyme can be fun, but it can also make you pull your hair out... I was stressing something awful by the time I finished this.

I don't write much prose myself, but I do attempt it here and there. Prose is (generally) easier on the mind than poetry. There are always exceptions, such as open "poetry" which holds bugger-all mental challenge, and the flowery prose from eras long past which can take hours to decipher, but as a whole, it's a more palatable form. I'm far more likely to read prose than poetry.
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:iconfreakishfeline:
FreakishFeline Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2009
Prose suits my needs better for a myriad of reasons, including my love affair with adjectives. I've never been a poetry fan, because, well, my generation ruined poetry. Just look at what my age group is doing to Estallidos. The girl couldn't write her way out of a paper sack and what she does spew should not by any means pass for poetry, and yet...here we are.

Anyway, I do enjoy writing the odd poem, though, I tend to stick to a very very simple ABAB meter. I'm not familiar with the intricacies of poetry, either, so forgive my misuse of any terms.
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